Choices

Everyone makes choices that are right for them. No one can tell you what is right for you. What course of action you chose today may not be the best tomorrow. What the hell am I talking about? 9 years ago I chose to drop out of college (in my senior year) to follow my husband half way around the world and to have my little family whole again. It really was the right choice at the time. With the war, being a new mom and just itching to find out about life away from home it was time for a break. I just never anticipated it being this long. I was going back about 5 years ago. Then, you guessed it, baby 2 (afectionately know around here as meatball) was on the way. And a huge mortgage. And not enough money to go around to mom. Yikes.

But still, it was the right choice at the time. Now though those choices just aren't 'okay' with me anymore. Let the stoning from the 'SuperMoms' being. I tried my hardest. I really did. I cooked (quite well I've heard), baked, sewed, quilted, gardened, had lots 'o kids at my house for playdates, done the morning neighborhood walking then the ladies who lunch, and been very involved in the FRG and the spouses clubs (I'm almost embarrassed to admit that one)*. Not to mention the soccer practices and being an amazing popcorn selling machine ($2k) for Cub Scouts. I had a good time. Really, I did. Where is me in all that? It was all for someone else. Either a child, or two or three, or a hubster, a friend, a group or just to keep up appearances. I miss the life that I thought I would have, that I still want.

I went to school to be a mechanical engineer. I'll admit it, I'm a math geek! :) Sometimes I will go online and find some calculus problems to work, or physics. When I first arrived back in Mannheim I was so excited. I brought the 'little' guy to a babysitter and walked to the local high school to volunteer to be a math tutor. Once upon a time I was far enough along in my degree to have more than a minor. Surely enough that would be enough to whip some algebra, right? Nope. They only wanted me if I had my degree. Sorry, no dice.

Then I learned that I couldn't even volunteer to be a kids cooking instructor. Even if no actual cooking took place. What a shot to the ego. I'm not even qualified to volunteer my services? How am I ever going to find that 'perfect' job? I did find a job. Not fulfilling at all. I do pride myself in doing a fabulous job. (I'm pretty sure they're missing me about now :) ) BTW, this year I had a very, very difficult pregnancy and learned that one of my boys has a vision loss. Scarry. I did all that alone too. Big 'ol fist bump to Uncle Sam on that one.

Let's check the scoreboard. No career. No almost acceptable volunteer position. Unfulfilling job. Ugh! So, here I sit flailing in the wind. Directionless. Where do I go from here? I can try to get certified to teach English as a second language. Be a financial manager. I really want to be at DCSENG. How am I supposed to get there? I will, eventually. I would really like to get a German job. It's not looking too healthy. No degree and I'm an Auslander.  A foreigner. Sigh.

Is it okay to be going through a mid-life crisis a little early? I think this all started this last summer when my doctor so nicely pointed out that I had recently had a birthday and then politely pointed out my age. Seriously, Dr Lauk, how is it okay to do this to a depressed pregnant woman??? It's no wonder I lost 35 pounds while I was preggo.  I hope that you all aren't too dragged down by now. Here is some sweetness in simplicity. Bye!

* Notice that laundry is not on that list? Lol. There is a funny story on why the hubster does that. Sometimes.